Do you fight with a partner or a loved one? I don't mean physically fighting. I mean verbally disagreeing in a way that just stinks! Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. You don't expect it and then you're just in a place that doesn't work in your relationship, and it causes strife.
There is hope and I'm going to share why. When my husband and I were dating we would have disagreements all the time. It would be something really small like how to put the dishes in the dishwasher or what knives to use. Then it would turn into the worst disagreement and we would both feel defeated. I believe it was my therapist who helped me figure out why this was happening and how to keep it from happening.
The first step I made was to refrain from reacting immediately. If I was going to get upset, angry, hurt, or defensive, that reaction is valid, I'm just going to put those feelings on hold for a second. Then I want to ask questions to make sure I fully understand what my partner was trying to communicate to me. At least a third of the time, our disagreements happened because I misunderstood what he meant. If I had just understood what he meant, we wouldn't have had the disagreement in the first place. But let's say I do understand what he means, and I'm still offended! Usually, the source of a disagreement is a symptom of something else. It can be one of two categories. Either it triggers something in me from a hurt, struggle, or fear, or it's a symptom of a hurt, struggle or fear that he has.
Let's consider the case when it's a trigger for me. When I am triggered it controls how I react, it controls how I feel, and it controls how I can function in the moment. I have the opportunity to seek healing in that area. I can seek counseling, I can journal, I can pray, and I can seek forgiveness if that's applicable. If I can work through my struggle with that trigger and be free of that, then I will have fewer opportunities for a disagreement to come forth from that trigger.
The second option is it could be a symptom of your partner's hurt or fear. I can react to that symptom by being upset and condemning my partner or I can look further and see why that symptom is there. If I don't get to the root or understand the root of the problem, that symptom is going to keep coming up and we're going to keep having disagreements because of it. And if I discover what that hurt or what that fear is, I can love my partner in that and encourage him in that.
My husband is the one who gets credit for this part. He is really good at asking questions to better understand people. The way that I can discover my partner's fear or hurt is by asking good questions.
e.g. "I heard this, is that what you meant?"
"What are you afraid of?"
"What do you long for?" (or hope for?)
In doing this new process I understand my husband so much better because I'm asking questions and I'm seeking to know him. One of the things that I discovered as the root of some other symptoms was a mindset my husband had. This mindset was that he needed to be perfect in order for me to love him. But it's not true! I love him even when he makes mistakes. He doesn't have to be perfect for me to think that he is awesome! I was able to assure him of this through my actions, through my reactions, and through my verbal affirmation.
By using this new method, I also understand myself better. One example of this is when my husband and I were working on a project in our house and he realized that he needed a tool for something we were going to do. At the time, we were saving for a specific financial goal, and because of my personality and my past experience, I was hyper-focused on that goal. Any sort of spending felt like it took away from that goal if it wasn't something that we absolutely needed. That created a really stressful and stingy environment. My husband felt like he couldn't make any financial decisions, and if he did it would create relational stress. Now that I've dug into that topic, I'm not as controlled by fear around money. I have more margin and peace about it. I am not as stressed about reaching my financial goals by a certain time. I have everything I need so I don't need to be stressed about the things that are extra.
Something worth mentioning is that this is a more vulnerable way of going about things. It's much easier to just stay on the surface, to just react to the symptoms, and not dig into what I'm experiencing and feeling or what my partner is experiencing and feeling. There is a risk to that. There is a risk of uncovering more things that you don't like, but it's so much better. It is so much more sustainable. It allows my husband and I to thrive. It doesn't mean we don't have hurts. It doesn't mean we never have a disagreement that goes wrong, but we love each other better, we know each other better, and we have more peace.
This is something I wish I knew sooner in life. It has helped me so much! I hope this gives you an opportunity to find relational health sooner in your relationships. Even if you have missed this for many years, I hope it helps you have a different story.